Cowboy Cussin' Why Lawyers Should Chase Horse trailers instead of Ambulances.
Don't have a horse? Thinking it might be fun? Have some neighbors with horses and what appears to be a decent marriage? Pull up a lawn chair, grab a beer and some popcorn and let me fill you in on why your horsey neighbors always have that grizzled look cowboys are famous for.
Here's how it starts. "Honey, let's go to the rodeo."
This is when you run for the fridge to grab a beer, set up a lawn chair and start your video rolling. It's show time.
Step One. Somebody has to back the truck to the trailer. Usually it's the husband. But as you will learn, this doesn't always mean that the husband was the best choice. He starts the truck and leaves the driver's door open, his left leg is casually draped over the edge because this is going to go so quickly, there's no point putting both feet inside the vehicle. He peers up through the rear-view mirror. Meanwhile, his wife is straddling the hitch, eyeballing him with doubt. Her immediate lack of faith in him makes him light a cigarette. He starts to roll the truck backwards and she begins to give him hand signals that look like a Delta airline stewardess showing her passengers which way to exit the plane.
"No, your left! I said left!" His foot slides into the truck and the door slams.
"Right!" "Dammit, I said Right!"
"Roll the window down so you can hear me!"
When he gets close, suddenly his wife turns into a dancing lobster and starts pinching her fingers together. This inches him closer. For some reason, he panics and misses his target. He starts hollering from inside the truck. His wife throws her hands in the air and they repeat this pattern several times.
Go get another beer, the fun is just beginning.
Step Two. Fetch the Horse.
Since both the husband and wife horsey couple are a little irritated with each other and mumbling profanities under their breath, the horse picks up on all that excitement. Suddenly, sweet little Gumdrop lifts his head straight into the air like a giraffe and decides he wants no part of these two nut jobs and proceeds to trot around the stall like Seabiscuit. "Here, let me do it!" The one NOT holding the halter demands.
"You're scaring him."
"Stop chasing him, he's a flight or fight animal."
"God, who ever taught you how to do this?"
"I can't catch him when I'm sliding around in horse shit. When are you going to clean the stall?"
"He trusts me more than you. We have this bond. We've done Parelli together."
"For the love of Christ, that is NOT how you tie a rope halter."
This rivalry for who is truly the master catcher goes back and forth until both humans and now the horse are all pissed off, out of breath and sweaty with a good coating of shit-dust on their skin.
Step Three. Load Gumdrop.
Gumdrop takes one look at the little two hose bumper pull trailer and says in his best horsey way, SCREW THIS. And suddenly, the horse turns into Michael Jackson and moon walks his way back toward his stall. This makes the husband take off his hat, wipe his forehead and for the first time you learn how many different ways one man can use the F word without repeating a single noun, pronoun, verb or adverb. Impressive.
The wife, pets, strokes and pleads into Gumdrop's ear. Finally, Gumdrop puts his nose in, he backs his nose out, he snorts. He puts his nose in, he backs his nose out and he snorts. The wife says, "I don't understand it, he was just in this thing." The husband snaps that she babies Gumdrop. This puts her on the defense and the pair start cussing about as bad as when they tried to hook up to the trailer. The horse picks up on this new found fun and now it's a DOUBLE SCREW THIS, and the moon walk goes into hyper-drive. They use ropes, they use carrots, hay, a whip, another horse, a goat, they call in a priest. By the time Gumdrop even thinks of lifting a foot into the trailer it's been thirty minutes and all three look like their about to drop dead and several threats of divorce have already passed between them. One of them may have even called a lawyer. That shifty bastard doesn't show up though, he knows better.
Still want a horse?
A husband?
A wife?
They somehow manage to get Gumdrop in the trailer and they drive away. This is when you should put the beer down and follow them in your Prius. Trust me because they forgot the saddle at home.
Here's how it starts. "Honey, let's go to the rodeo."
This is when you run for the fridge to grab a beer, set up a lawn chair and start your video rolling. It's show time.
Step One. Somebody has to back the truck to the trailer. Usually it's the husband. But as you will learn, this doesn't always mean that the husband was the best choice. He starts the truck and leaves the driver's door open, his left leg is casually draped over the edge because this is going to go so quickly, there's no point putting both feet inside the vehicle. He peers up through the rear-view mirror. Meanwhile, his wife is straddling the hitch, eyeballing him with doubt. Her immediate lack of faith in him makes him light a cigarette. He starts to roll the truck backwards and she begins to give him hand signals that look like a Delta airline stewardess showing her passengers which way to exit the plane.
"No, your left! I said left!" His foot slides into the truck and the door slams.
"Right!" "Dammit, I said Right!"
"Roll the window down so you can hear me!"
When he gets close, suddenly his wife turns into a dancing lobster and starts pinching her fingers together. This inches him closer. For some reason, he panics and misses his target. He starts hollering from inside the truck. His wife throws her hands in the air and they repeat this pattern several times.
Go get another beer, the fun is just beginning.
Step Two. Fetch the Horse.
Since both the husband and wife horsey couple are a little irritated with each other and mumbling profanities under their breath, the horse picks up on all that excitement. Suddenly, sweet little Gumdrop lifts his head straight into the air like a giraffe and decides he wants no part of these two nut jobs and proceeds to trot around the stall like Seabiscuit. "Here, let me do it!" The one NOT holding the halter demands.
"You're scaring him."
"Stop chasing him, he's a flight or fight animal."
"God, who ever taught you how to do this?"
"I can't catch him when I'm sliding around in horse shit. When are you going to clean the stall?"
"He trusts me more than you. We have this bond. We've done Parelli together."
"For the love of Christ, that is NOT how you tie a rope halter."
This rivalry for who is truly the master catcher goes back and forth until both humans and now the horse are all pissed off, out of breath and sweaty with a good coating of shit-dust on their skin.
Step Three. Load Gumdrop.
Gumdrop takes one look at the little two hose bumper pull trailer and says in his best horsey way, SCREW THIS. And suddenly, the horse turns into Michael Jackson and moon walks his way back toward his stall. This makes the husband take off his hat, wipe his forehead and for the first time you learn how many different ways one man can use the F word without repeating a single noun, pronoun, verb or adverb. Impressive.
The wife, pets, strokes and pleads into Gumdrop's ear. Finally, Gumdrop puts his nose in, he backs his nose out, he snorts. He puts his nose in, he backs his nose out and he snorts. The wife says, "I don't understand it, he was just in this thing." The husband snaps that she babies Gumdrop. This puts her on the defense and the pair start cussing about as bad as when they tried to hook up to the trailer. The horse picks up on this new found fun and now it's a DOUBLE SCREW THIS, and the moon walk goes into hyper-drive. They use ropes, they use carrots, hay, a whip, another horse, a goat, they call in a priest. By the time Gumdrop even thinks of lifting a foot into the trailer it's been thirty minutes and all three look like their about to drop dead and several threats of divorce have already passed between them. One of them may have even called a lawyer. That shifty bastard doesn't show up though, he knows better.
Still want a horse?
A husband?
A wife?
They somehow manage to get Gumdrop in the trailer and they drive away. This is when you should put the beer down and follow them in your Prius. Trust me because they forgot the saddle at home.
Comments
Post a Comment