Monday, November 24, 2014

Butterball Turkey Butt Disease

I'm not going to talk about food or food preparation on this eve of Thanksgiving. I figure we have enough of those so instead, I'm going to discuss a well known yet little talked about phenomenon that happens as soon as the weather shifts from summer to fall, crisping the air.

Butterball Turkey Butt Disease. 
Yes it is real.
Mainly affects women over the age of mid 2o's and with hips that measure out 36 inches and beyond.  Sometimes the male species will catch this disease but it doesn't seem to have the long lasting effects in the human male than his female counterpart.  

First step in contracting this ailment is to spend time outdoors.  You will notice the first symptom of this disease when someone decides to build a campfire to warm things up.  This disease gives off the perverse desire to stand around the campfire backwards.  As in, here is this beautiful fire and we are going to ignore it, pretend it isn't there by sticking out butts out at it and look around everywhere else. 
Women will stand like this so long the little copper rivets in our jeans will get hot enough to burn the skin. 
Men, seem to turn away from the fire and they are cured.  Not so much for women,  We continuously turn our asses toward the flame but relief is only temporary.  You know when you are in a downright full epidemic of BBTBD when you crawl into bed with your spouse.

That's when it hits.  The full force of BBTBD.  You poke your butt out and shove it up against your partner's warm body, praying for a cure.  He screams; 

"YOUR ASS IS SO COLD, I COULD LICK MY HAND AND IT WOULD STICK!"
"PLEASE, YES, PLEASE RUB MY BUTT AND WARM IT UP!"

He tries to scoot away from your butt but you keep sliding toward him...before he knows it, he has fallen on the floor.  You can't find relief.   So instead, you use your feet.  You try like hell to stick a cold foot in one of his body crevices hoping that if you can get your foot warm that somehow that heat will travel up to your ass.  

Nothing works. 
You will be fine by morning.  Until you go outside again and your husband eye's you suspiciously and with disdain.  He knows what's coming.  

"Can't you get your Grandma to knit you a butt warmer or something?"
"You're not sleeping with me tonight. I swear.  I can't fall on the floor again."


Have a great Thanksgiving!

3 comments:

  1. LOL Elle. That's funny. What would you do if you lived where I do? We have campfires in the summer and fires indoors in the winter when our temp hovers around -25 degrees F. Your butt wouldn't be the only thing frozen.

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  2. No Way! I live in Arizona and once it gets down to 30 degrees I'm FROZEN. The cold never bothered me anyway...Yeah, not THIS princess! :P

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  3. Love this. You've hit the nail on the head, but you should do the one about Snowshoe Feet. My hubby will swear that it's terminal - for him. Cold feet must get warm, and his back is mighty warm!

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